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| birth (Photo credit: j.cliss) |
Even within the most traumatic of birth
experiences, there are joyful moments. I write this list for everyone
who, like me, came out of a birth experience feeling less than, and
as a reminder that childbirth is not all bad. This is dedicated to my
children who made me who I am.
1st birth
Rocking in my grandfather's rocking
chair in dark silence moving with the natural rhythm of my body's
labor.
Pacing in my grandparent's front yard.
Taking in openness. My grandmother's calm reminder that everything
was okay after a little admonishment about being outside in the
middle of the night (she didn't make me come inside).
Not once did anyone ever mention epidural. (I had meds but nothing that actually took away the pain. It was bad, but also good.)
Lying in the hospital bed in the dark,
pain suddenly became bliss as my my body gently nudged my baby out of
my body. For once, I was free of all thoughts, including any
realization of what was happening. I felt powerful and animal-like
with no concept of time or emotion. (The nurse that unfortunately
walked in on the scene may have thought I was asleep until she saw my
baby's head or maybe I was making noise that caused her to turn on
the light. I really wouldn't know:)
My newborn daughter was sat on a pillow
on my lap (I was too shaky to hold her). She had been shrieking
frantically, but then she latched onto my breast all by herself and
was quiet.
A few hours later, I was able to hold
her and talk to her.
2nd birth
Alternating between pacing and lying on
the floor in an overheated little apartment.
Sitting in the hospital bed drinking
grape juice with my toddler daughter at my feet (waiting for a
relative to pick her up).
Laughing when my son peed on the nurse
attempting to put his first diaper on him.
Finally being left alone to hold my
son.
3rd birth
Making love with my husband for
closeness and pleasure (Knowing he'd probably have said no if I had
told him that I had had contractions all afternoon.)
Pacing the floor by myself all night.
(I thought about my husband needing to rest, but really wasn't
concerned about the marathon I was running in my living room.) I ate
yogurt and popsicles. With nobody bothering me or giving me reasons
to be concerned, I wasn't feeling bothered or concerned.
Drinking tea and my husband feeding me
a few bites of chocolate silk pie even though the nurse-midwife said
I shouldn't have it.
In the hospital, on hands and knees on
the bed while leaning on my husband. I felt my baby moving a lot so I knew she was doing just fine.
(She was probably trying to get into a better position for birth, but
not much luck.)
Being asked if I wanted an epidural,
and honestly being able to say no. I didn't need labor to be faster
or painless. I trusted my body even when the nurse-midwife didn't.
Finally, curled up behind my husband,
napping between contractions a few minutes at a time. (Unfortunately,
this only happened after leaving the hospital against medical advice
and the cytotec induced contractions were abnormal and dangerous, but
naps are absolutely essential during a long labor. After two nights with labor pain and no sleep, staying awake just to be harassed in the hospital was not an option.)
My husband laying our new little
daughter beside me so I could cuddle and nurse her.
Overall
Notice that not all of these moments
were without pain, but the joy far exceeded any pain.
Many women, like me, don't want
constant attention during labor. Gentle support and a few reminders
are sometimes all that is necessary.
With my last baby, I drank a lot of
fluids and ate a little during labor, and vehemently refused pitocin
and pain meds until the last hour (had I known I was that close I
could have continued to refuse, but nobody knew or they probably
would have said it was too late for an epidural). This was the only
birth experience where I didn't vomit and dry heave violently.
I was seriously hoping for that urge to clean house some women speak of having before a baby is born. No such luck. The pacing was far different than the normal walk I might take for nervousness or to think. It was very mindless. (Because I was worn out, the hospital should have insisted I nap (even if it took a small amount of meds) rather than trying to speed things up with meds. Common sense.)
I was seriously hoping for that urge to clean house some women speak of having before a baby is born. No such luck. The pacing was far different than the normal walk I might take for nervousness or to think. It was very mindless. (Because I was worn out, the hospital should have insisted I nap (even if it took a small amount of meds) rather than trying to speed things up with meds. Common sense.)
Being out of one's mind is by far the
easiest way to cope with the intensity of childbirth.
Everyone is
different. Everyone has different preferences and ways of being,
which might change as we grow and learn.
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